How to: Win Friends Through...Unconventional Means

There are plenty of places you could turn for advice on making friends.  I'm here to encourage you to think outside the box when it comes to building relationships.  I've identified four foolproof* methods that have been very successful in my own life.

1. Destroy something they love.

My first semester of college, I took a homemaking class. The first week of the class, we had an assignment to make an apron out of an old pair of jeans.  A friend that lived a few doors down offered a pair she was giving away and told me she would leave it on the couch before she went to class.

I came home, found the jeans, and made the necessary "adjustments," packing the pieces in my backpack for class the next day.  Upon my next trip through the living room, I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of a second pair of jeans folded on the opposite couch.  The wait for my roommate to return from class that day was a painful one, and the ensuing confession very awkward, but after paying for new jeans and gifting her the resulting apron, a great friendship developed.

Want to get someone's attention? Mutilate their favorite pants.

2. Unintentionally insult their...shortcomings.

At the supermarket one recent afternoon, I was searching for the most ideal check-out line. Coming around the corner to find a less-populated counter, I shouted to my friend, "Hey! This one's short!" just as I made eye contact with the cashier.  He was a little person.  He must have noticed the completely mortified look on my face, because he laughed it off and we had a perfectly delightful conversation.

Nothing breaks the ice like a good accidental weakness jab.

3. Dump their roommate.

I've come to learn that the phrase "Bros before you-know-whats" is not a real thing.  I'm convinced it was made up one day by a third wheel in an attempt to guilt more time out of his friend, but in my experience, exactly zero boys follow it.  Approximately 50% of the people I dated in college were the roommate of someone I had just previously dated.  Judge me if you will, but I never did any severe relationship damage and it kept me fed for four years. (Okay, technically five. Seriously. Stop judging.) I'm just saying, if you're trying to get to know new people, don't limit yourself based on social taboos.

Note: This technique does NOT work with women.  If you're trying to befriend the roommate of a girl you've dated, your chances are better if she dumps you. It's just the way it is.

4. Throw something at them.

Sound elementary? It is! Simplicity works, folks. I once had the compulsion to launch a soccer ball directly into some guy's head. We dated for five months. My husband says that his first memory of my was his face bleeding from a Frisbee I'd thrown, and we can see where that led.

Neither of those instances were intentional, and I don't recommend it as a first attempt, but in a desperate situation, might be worth a shot. Projectile objects are sure to start a conversation (unless you throw them too hard. Be sure to select a non-threatening object. An unconscious person does not a great friend make.)

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There you have it! Friend-making gold. Now get out there and build some relationships!