How to: Be a Hero (Tips from a Professional)

A vast portion of my life knowledge comes from surrounding myself with smart people.  One of those people is my nephew, now seven years old.  Through those years, he has taught me some simple but valuable lessons on being a hero.  Allow me to share some of his tips with you. (Quotations are made in the native dialect of a five-year-old with a heart-melting speech impediment. Translations are provided for clarity.)

1. Identify and maintain the source of your strength. (Even if it involves compromised hygiene*.)

"You know da thuperpowerth dat I have? Wew...If I bruth my teef, da toofpathte will det rid of dem! A thuperhero wiffout powerth tannot thave da world."

Translation: "You know the superpowers that I have? Well...If I brush my teeth, the toothpaste will get rid of them!  A superhero without powers cannot save the world."

Sorry, mom. Looks like bedtime protocol has been trumped.

2. Know your limitations.

After slipping into his new Superman pajamas, he heard some neighborhood kids yelling outside. 

"I'm thorry I tan't help dothe people. I'm Thuperman and I have to doe potty. Thuperman tan't potty and rethtue at da thame time."

Translation: "I'm sorry I can't help those people. I'm Superman and I have to go potty. Superman can't potty and rescue at the same time."

Sometimes tough choices must be made.

3. Never underestimate the potential in others.

"Who'd win, mom? Hult or Warry da Table Duy?"

Translation: "Who'd win, mom? Hulk or Larry the Cable Guy?"

Everyone has something to offer. Beneficial allies can be found in the most unexpected individuals. 

4. Seek the best instructors. 

Seth brought this picture home from his Sunday School class that he had colored.

"Dethe are da blue ninthath and dethe are da red ninthath...and Jethuth ith teatthing dem how to fight!"

Transation: "These are the blue ninjas an these are the red ninjas...and Jesus is teaching them how to fight!"

Okay, so it may be a different kind of war, but when learning to fight evil, what better example is there than that of the Ultimate Hero?

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That ought to give you a pretty good start.  Now, let's all get out there and be heroes!  Heaven knows the world needs more of them...

How to: Win Friends Through...Unconventional Means

There are plenty of places you could turn for advice on making friends.  I'm here to encourage you to think outside the box when it comes to building relationships.  I've identified four foolproof* methods that have been very successful in my own life.

1. Destroy something they love.

My first semester of college, I took a homemaking class. The first week of the class, we had an assignment to make an apron out of an old pair of jeans.  A friend that lived a few doors down offered a pair she was giving away and told me she would leave it on the couch before she went to class.

I came home, found the jeans, and made the necessary "adjustments," packing the pieces in my backpack for class the next day.  Upon my next trip through the living room, I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of a second pair of jeans folded on the opposite couch.  The wait for my roommate to return from class that day was a painful one, and the ensuing confession very awkward, but after paying for new jeans and gifting her the resulting apron, a great friendship developed.

Want to get someone's attention? Mutilate their favorite pants.

2. Unintentionally insult their...shortcomings.

At the supermarket one recent afternoon, I was searching for the most ideal check-out line. Coming around the corner to find a less-populated counter, I shouted to my friend, "Hey! This one's short!" just as I made eye contact with the cashier.  He was a little person.  He must have noticed the completely mortified look on my face, because he laughed it off and we had a perfectly delightful conversation.

Nothing breaks the ice like a good accidental weakness jab.

3. Dump their roommate.

I've come to learn that the phrase "Bros before you-know-whats" is not a real thing.  I'm convinced it was made up one day by a third wheel in an attempt to guilt more time out of his friend, but in my experience, exactly zero boys follow it.  Approximately 50% of the people I dated in college were the roommate of someone I had just previously dated.  Judge me if you will, but I never did any severe relationship damage and it kept me fed for four years. (Okay, technically five. Seriously. Stop judging.) I'm just saying, if you're trying to get to know new people, don't limit yourself based on social taboos.

Note: This technique does NOT work with women.  If you're trying to befriend the roommate of a girl you've dated, your chances are better if she dumps you. It's just the way it is.

4. Throw something at them.

Sound elementary? It is! Simplicity works, folks. I once had the compulsion to launch a soccer ball directly into some guy's head. We dated for five months. My husband says that his first memory of my was his face bleeding from a Frisbee I'd thrown, and we can see where that led.

Neither of those instances were intentional, and I don't recommend it as a first attempt, but in a desperate situation, might be worth a shot. Projectile objects are sure to start a conversation (unless you throw them too hard. Be sure to select a non-threatening object. An unconscious person does not a great friend make.)

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There you have it! Friend-making gold. Now get out there and build some relationships!